Dragons, Barrel Rolls, Dumbledore, Oh My!

1910 words of poorly edited awesomeness encased by pancakes and win sauce (no, not that kind of sauce. Shame on you). I present to you the embarrassingly late first post of the New Age. Enjoy.

Randomly generated faces wearing tuxedos and dresses forced their way to the lower deck from where melodious echoing of orchestral music permeated throughout the ship. Not to my surprise, I was at a lack of a date. Fighting against the current of cashmere and sequins, I finally made it to the upper deck to avail myself to the air of ocean. All was well during that breezy, autumn night until disaster struck. While leaning against the rail, the ship lurched forward and came to a grinding halt. Caught off guard, I found myself clenching the arm of the nearby waiter with white knuckles. After apologizing to the I make my way back inside to my cabin to find Allen, bonBon, and Thomas playing a friendly game of Go Fish.

"Shit guys, did you feel that?"

"Yeah, are you kidding me," replied Allen, "I was sippin' some Bawls and then the next thing I know, my face is thrown towards the bottle and I spill fizzy sticky stuff all over my face and down my shirt." (That part actually happened in real life at SLC ’08. Get owned Allen).

"We might have hit something. Let’s go check it out."

Allen, bonBon and I go to that part of the ship where the steering wheel of the ship is to determine a solution to our dilemma. I don't know what that place is called 'cos I'm not a sailor.

It turns out that whoever was steering the cruise ship was stupid enough to get the ship beached. Beached! Honestly, I didn't think there would be anyone on this planet thick enough to steer a 51000 ton hunk of technology onto the shore of an island. You have to be pretty blunt to do something like that. Of course, it could have been worse (lol Titanic). While the rest of us are trying to figure out a way to get us unbeached, Allen's curiosity got the better of him. He pulls down a lever and all of a sudden, the ship starts to tip over. We tried to keep the ship balanced by running to the other side, but we realize that all the other passengers on the ship probably aren't cooperating. Now here's where it gets weird. Because my brother and his friends invest their free time in perusing 4chan, the barrel roll somehow manifested itself in my dream. What happens next is reminiscent of that particular scene in Wall-E where the fat bodies of the Axiom tumble to the end of the ship. The ship tips over once, but the bodies continue to flop around smashing the opposite wall again causing a chain reaction of barrel rolls. After the ship completes several lateral rotations, it stops rolling over. Allen declares, "Uh...My bad."

Soon, another ship comes by and agrees to get us off the island. We load onto that ship and all is well again until the captain of that ship is equally as thick as the previous one. We get beached again. Everyone piles out of the ship and onto the beach. The girls are greeting each other with hugs, kisses, and remarks of concern (ie. OMG Debbie like, are you okay?!) while the guys give the customary grunt and nod of affirmation (ie. You good? Meh.) My posse and I pass by Benjamin Juang and Karen Zhou who greet us as stated above (only my name isn’t Debbie). The survival instincts of the men start to kick in, readying crude spears and hammers to afflict blunt force trauma onto what would be their next meal. The women are still worried about the damage done to their dresses. As I am on my little excursion to find natural resources, I inherently stumble across a really shiny rock. When I say really shiny rock, I mean REALLY SHINY ROCK. Clearly, it catches my eye and I reach out for it. The tip of my finger flows over the rock. “Shit,” I tell myself in amazement. The really shiny rock abruptly becomes even shinier. Radiating hot white, the rock begins to vibrate. A distant explosion sets off sending a shockwave throughout the island. Women start to scream. Men shut up. As I look up towards the sky, I find that I am encircled within a tempest of radiating metal. One piece bludgeons me on my side, sending me sailing off the hill. I come to at my brother’s feet. He tells me that we’re screwed. Two very large, metal dragons appeared from the cyclone of metal. I agree. If you’re having trouble imagining this, just Google image search Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon and/or Blue-Eyes Metal Dragon from Yu-Gi-Oh. You’ll get the general picture of what these epic dragons look like. I suppose these dragons were married or something because they apparently had a baby dragon (Not as cute as you might think it would be. It was like ferocious and stuff, sort of like a Hungarian Horntail from Harry Potter). Momma dragon (I never actually asked for her name so that’s what I’m going to call her.) handed her baby to my brother and me and told us to follow her. Naturally, I ain’t going to mess with something that’s like 50 times bigger than I am and can match the force of a cube-seeking Megatron so I comply with her demands. Metal is heavy, but baby metal dragons are heavier. We labored across the beach trailing behind Momma dragon. She makes a sharp turn into the foliage. We follow and stop. “You’re kidding me,” Jack bluntly asked. In hindsight, the answer is, “No bitch, this is my dream.”

Behind the foliage was a deep chasm. There was stuff down there at the bottom. It seemed pretty lethal to me. Then again, bubbling acid and fuming sulfur would probably appear to be lethal to anyone with at least two pieces of string and a marble for a brain. Momma dragon is big enough to walk over the chasm, leaving Jack and I behind.

“Hurry the fuck up,” she says. Seriously, that’s exactly what she said.

Obeying, Jack and I “hurry the fuck up” and traverse the chasm. It was narrow enough for us to put our backs together and plant our feet on the walls to keep us from falling. Jack held the baby ‘cos he’s a manly man. I guess I was wearing some form of like acid-proof pants because they managed to stay on while protecting my bum all the way through the pit of doom. What was interesting was the smell of sulfur. I know what it smells like since I’ve been to Yellowstone and it actually smelled like it did in the dream as it would in real life. It smells like rotten eggs, by the way. Yum. At the end of the chasm, Momma dragon sees that we are in need of a rest. Indeed we are. She led us to a cabin ahead in the forest. Jack and I thankfully put her baby down and tuck it into a makeshift basket for it to bunk in for the night. We begin to talk about our day, wondering why Momma dragon couldn’t just carry her own damn baby.

“Can’t she just carry it on her back,” Jack reasoned.

“Seriously, she’s huge. She can surely carry something like this on her back and fly away with it.”

Caught off guard, Momma dragon scolded us. “WHAT, BITCHES?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM?” We stopped talking about Momma dragon.

Later that night, a man barges into the cabin knocking the door clean off its hinges. Startled, Jack screams, “WHERE’S THE CANNON?!”

“There’s no cannon, you dumba-“ Cut off short, my face was slammed down flat against the cot.

“Where’s the dragon,” the mysterious man demanded. He repeated himself again, applying more force to my forehead. He soon realized that I couldn’t speak with my face down. Idiot. He flipped me over and backhanded me right across the kisser.

“Dude it’s the glowing white thing in the corner. I don’t understand why you had to do that to me.”

“Oh. Well, I’m going to have to punish you now since that’s what burglars do to people.”

He takes out his knife and cuts the back of both of my hands. What’s interesting is that I could feel the “pain.” It wasn’t actually pain, which is why the word is in quotations. It felt more like someone spilt a fresh cup of Cup ‘O Noodles on my hands. He picks up the dragon and shoves it in his rucksack. Just as he is about to leave, Professor McGonagall (Yes, from the Harry Potter series) untransfigurates from her feline form and appears in the doorway. She stops the man and firmly remarked, “Where do you think you’re going, young man?!”

“Uh…Nothing, Professor. BAIL OUT!” The strange man jumps away, leaving a blue swish reminiscent of a jump scar behind.

“OH NO YOU DI-N’T,” McGonagall declares and enters his jump scar.

“Whoa,” I stoically mumble. Totally aware that I’m dreaming, I follow suit into the jump scar leaving Jack behind (If you haven’t caught on by now, it’s the same kind of jumping seen in the movie Jumper). I can see why David told Millie to take a deep breath before jumping because it felt like your entire body was being compressed and then uncompressed at the same time. Having this as my first jumping experience, I gracefully land on a smooth concrete surface on the side of my face. McGonagall and Mr. Mysterious were nowhere in sight. I make myself upright (you know I first put the word “erect” there, but I figure there would be some sort of misinterpretation especially from my male audience) and open my eyes to a different kind of world. The first thing I noticed was how clean everything was. It was so clean there weren’t even spots of gum on the pavement like how it is at UC Irvine, or in Mirror’s Edge. Hover Lexus’ were zooming about along the Minority Report-esque highway structures. I stand on the edge of the building I’m atop and notice that the faces are the same except now everyone is decked in uniform only varying by different arrogantly shaded colors also much like how it is in Mirror’s Edge (A good game btw. I loved it). Realizing that I need to tell someone about the stealing of Momma dragon’s baby (She’s probably going to destroy the world when she finds out that her baby’s be kidnapped), my mind starts to crank. That’s when Dumbledore apparates behind me and told me to go to room “6 Funk 11.” Before my mind can digest the ludicrousness of what he just said to me, Dumbledore apparates away. I figure that anything important and as exotic as room “6 Funk 11” will be at the top of something so I search for the tallest tower around and begin my way towards the Shard (tallest building in Mirror’s Edge). I leap from the edge and slide down the shaft of the crane landing a top the roof of the next building. I vault over the air conditioning contraption and wall run across the Traxus billboard. Wall run, turn, jump, vault, dive, tuck. I finally arrive at the gleaming red door, heart beating, lungs greedily absorbing the air. I cleverly knock the seven knock knock. The patterned knock is returned.

“So-lo-mahhhn, yooh ah going to be laate!”